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“You can only become accomplished at something you love. Don’t make money your goal. Instead pursue the things you love doing and then do them so well that people can’t take their eyes off you.” Maya Angelou“
This is where I will reflect on how digital portfolio is coming along. Each week we were given an assignment to do on our portfolio and should work on them as we go along. Here is a little reflective update on mine.
My home page is flourishing. Everything that was needed to on the home page is there the header, the famous quote, an introduction and my goals. I need to align my writing a little better and add the link to the goals. The about page is sustaining. I did all the task that were needed the image of myself is the one thing missing, a quote, header image, author bio, and a link to the Proust Questionnaire. I need to add the link to my actual blog post and make the font a little bigger. The contact page is flourishing. It needed the header image, a quote, and contact box. This was the easiest part of the part of the website. Narrative project page is suffering really bad!! I have the header image, a quote, preface section, and draft sections. I need to work on the title of the project. Add and take away some things away, change stuff around and add the links. Research project page is sustaining. The header image is there, the quote is there, the preface is done, and draft sections haven’t started yet. Blog page is suffering bad! I have the header image, quote, author blurb, TTC, I’m missing so many post, links and images. Action Plan to Revise My plan was to get my page up to date on spring break. My intrinsic goals are to get things done by the deadlines that are given and not wait until the last minute like I am NOW! I have to put time aside for myself and my school work.
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In this blog post I will be blogging about my narrative project. In my narrative project I describe about an emotional, heartfelt moment that had taken place in my life five years ago. There are three classic videos from the Wizard of Oz connected to this blog post. The films are
Wizard of Oz: If I Only Had The Brain, Heart, Nerve Wizard of Oz: Meeting the Wizard Wizard of Oz: You've Always Had the Power My narrative allows me to travel into my mind and remember that summer morning when I had to face the day I wasn’t expecting to come so soon. That day I was so angry and heartbroken. Five years later I realize that we all one day, will no longer be here in the physical. The way I felt then is the total opposite of how I feel now. I can now smile when I come across memories. My narrative allows me to explore my heart. In my heart then I felt like life wasn’t fair and that I was unsure why GOD would allow me to deal with another painful loss within a two months span. I now feel in my heart that my grandma is where she wanted to be. She’s no longer in pain. I still feel a sense of emptiness at times. My narrative meets the nerve element by showing how heartbroken I was at that point in my life. I literally felt I have gone through the worse pain I could’ve ever went through in my life. Then my life seemed to be stuck at a standstill and I was numb. Now that I’m older and years have gone by it’s like, damn life really could break you down if you let it. My narrative enables me to re-examine the strength I have in my life’s story. At the time I felt so weak, and helpless. I was down for months and lost. I also had children that I had to take care of and be strong for. Writing my story out and telling it to my classmates was the best thing I could’ve done. It has helped me realize that writing it was exactly what I needed. What shapes our sense of identity are the lessons that we go through in life. We go through good and bad lessons and it’s truly up to us which ones we let affect us. After realizing what Hills Like White Elephants (Ernest Hemingway) meant it left me feeling emotional. Being as though I'm a parent already, I totally understand the frustration when you are left to make a life changing decision and not know what the ending result will be.
It wasn’t until the night of April 6, 2014. I put my phone down and take my daughter Gabbi upstairs for bed. It was a little after 9pm. My phone rang as I’m walking up the steps. I can still see who it is while walking up the steps. I continue walking upstairs and say, “I’ll call her back.” My phone had to ring about four more times while I was upstairs. On my way back down the steps the phone is ringing again and it’s my cousin. I answer the phone and she said, (in a slow voice is what it seemed like at the time) “Block said, called Derrick he’s been shot!” I screamed, “IF HE WAS SHOT HE’S NOT GOING TO ANSWER! I JUST HUNG UP WITH HIM SIX MINUTES AGO!” I still called and he didn’t answer. I began to shake but I’m also pacing the floor back and forth not knowing what to do now so I just grab my keys and run out the door. As I drive pass my mom house who is at the top of my block and realize I left my babies in the house. I reverse a few houses back run to the door and yell through the screen, “MOM, GO TO MY HOUSE DERRICK WAS SHOT!” While, her and my grandma are sitting on the couch catching the spring night air. I get back in my car and my phone is ringing. I answer and I hear, “B where you at? We in the ER, my dad was shot!” in a helpless voice. As I walk in the emergency people walk over to me crying so I at that moment start crying and thinking the worse. A few hours had gone by and the hospital staff and security told us that only his children, parents and the person he lived with could go upstairs and wait for him to get out of surgery. After three hours which seemed like forever had pass and the doctors came out and said, “I’m sorry we did all we could do, and you and your family are welcome to come see him.” Walking in all we could see was his body covered by a white sheet and his head and arms were the only visible body parts for us to see. They put his arms over top of the sheet so that we could touch or hold his hands if we wanted to. I asked, “where was he shot?” While walking toward him. In the trunk someone replied. I began to cry and just stare at his lifeless body. How many times?” his daughter asks. “Once in the trunk.” His oldest son and daughter were being consoled by staff as well as his mother and I. As I get closer only thing I could say was, “Gabbi!” in a sobbing voice. The female that was there to console me said, “Who is Gabbi?” “She’s our 1yr old daughter. He hasn’t seen the kids in a few days. I began to cry harder and say, I should have just taken them to the shop to see him before going home.” Almost 5 years later I still feel guilty for being too exhausted to take them to go see daddy for the last time. This is still hard for me to share. 2014 was a hard year for me. Two months after my fiance passed so did my grandma. In the My Name is Margaret (Maya Angelou) reading it made me a little angry at the fact that Mrs. Cullinan decided that she wanted to come up with her own name to call Margaret. Out of respect for any human being you should call them by their name that’s given to them. If they allow you to call them an alternate/nickname then you should do so.
While reading the few pages of My Name is Margaret (Maya Angelou) I began to think about my grandma. Her name was Margaret as well. In her younger years she worked for a white woman and I'm not quite sure if she ever came across the experience of the family she worked for calling her MARY. Although, this was back in the 1950-1960s I’m almost certain that she was called names that white people called black people back then. Even now in 2019 people are still calling people out of their birth names. I don’t want to sound racist or bias but this brings back so many unwanted memories. To when I was in grade school and high school. There were kids who called black and white kids out their names. A few times I would fall victim to being one of the kids who would call other kids out of their names. I could never bring myself to call people racist slurs or words that would negatively describe them. If there was a name that I wasn’t familiar with or didn’t hear often I would give someone a nickname or something close to their name. In high school I would ask them if I could call them that or did they have a name other than their birth name that they went by. I began to do this because one I knew how it felt being in a predominantly white school and people not knowing how to pronounce your name and two I was once on both ends of this before. It’s sad because even now to this day we witness people doing the same exact thing to people and sometimes we don’t even realize it. I can only imagine what was going through Maya Angelou’s head at the time. I work in a nursing home where I get called all types of black “NIGGERS” by my residents. When I first started this field 10 years ago and I had my first encounter I was ready to SNAP and quit. I was young and didn’t care and in my head things should be a lot different now. One thing I learned is that we CANNOT change what a person was taught and seen all because it makes us feel a certain type of way. Now being called that I just laugh and come back to the person later. Now if it’s someone like myself who is alert and can fully understand what’s going on, I doubt that I’ll be nice about being called out my name drastically. I feel like people should be sympathetic to people’s feelings especially if they’ve experienced what Maya Angelou has. So, after an afternoon of shopping the children and I are beat. We decide to stop at Chick-fil-a to grab a bite to eat. I notice there is a both next to the play area for children. We have a seat next to a group of individuals as we speak before having a seat, I then notice they were writers Don Murray, Mary Karr, and Anne Lamott. I hear them talking about their upcoming plans on new topics. I turn around and introduce myself and asked if they mind if I asked a few questions about being a new writer. They offered me to join them at their table. Then proceed to let me know they were just talking about The Writing Process.
I proceed to tell the trio that writing is NOT one of my favorites but once I start a topic that I've never done it gets more interesting. My only problem is knowing how and where to start. What is it that sparks you guys interest, how do you get started? Don scratches his head and said, “There must be time for the writing process to take place and time for it to end. The writer must work within the stimulating tension of unpressured time to think and dream and stare out windows, and pressured time—the deadline—to which the writer must deliver.” Anne takes a sip of her drink and says, “Beginners always try to fit their whole lives into ten pages, and they always write blatantly about themselves, even if they make the heroine of their piece a championship. Racehorse with an alcoholic mother who cries a lot. But beginners are learning to play, and they need encouragement to keep their hands moving across the page.” Mary pointed to Anne agreed and went on to say, “Before you can work consciously, though, you go through a phase of developing a critical self, which makes a writer wicked self-conscious. Some students in our three-year MFA program come in defending every word; by mid-term second year, the more determined ones find themselves in despair at their own pages.” I say to the trio, “I must admit this conversation was very helpful and informative for my English Composition I class. I’m so glad I got the chance to chat with you guys. The knowledge you guys have given I will be sure to apply it in my next writing.” In comes my middle daughter saying, she’s ready to go. As I say, GOODBYE and proceed to leave Don hands me his business card followed by Anne and Mary. They let me know it was fine to call/email with any questions, to proof read or anything in writing I needed help with.
Who am I? Most days I’m mom or Biancia and other days I ammmm …............ some days I don’t even know. What I can tell you about me is that I procrastinated to do this damn blog assignment and I still don’t know if I'm doing it right or not. I have a few questions that I answered from The Proust Questionnaire that will also give you a little idea about who I am. __1.__What is your idea of perfect happiness? My idea of perfect happiness is when you find happiness within yourself. __2.__What is your greatest fear? My greatest fear is leaving this earth and leaving my children to fend for themselves. Nobody or no one will love them and take care of them like their mother. __3.__What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? The trait I deplore about myself is the fact that I allow my kindness to be taking for granted or as a weakness. __4.__What is the trait you most deplore in others? The trait I deplore in others is when they don’t have empathy for others. __5.__Which living person do you most admire? The living person I admire the most is my mother. __6.__What is your greatest extravagance? My greatest extravagance would be spending way too much money on fast food/takeout. __7.__What is your current state of mind? My current state of mind is all over the place. I can NOT catch focus. __8.__What do you consider the most overrated virtue The most overrated virtue to me is Religion. No one is perfect and I don’t like when one judges another. This goes for ALL religions. __9.__On what occasion do you lie? I try my hardest not to lie. Sometimes I got to. Lol, for instance if someone ask do you like their hair or shirt and you say YES because they like it and you don’t want to hurt their feelings. Knowing you don’t like it or wouldn’t wear it. __10.__What do you most dislike about your appearance? What I dislike about my appearance is my mean look. Since a child people think I'm mean because I have a serious face to them. __11.__Which living person do you most despise? I despise mothers and fathers who abandon their children. Then get mad when the child grows up to have questions. The want to know why and they play the blame game. __12.__What is the quality you most like in a man? The qualities I like the in a man are respect, loyalty, communication and the list could go on. __13.__What is the quality you most like in a woman? I like to see woman be able to uplift one another and support them. __14.__Which words or phrases do you most overuse? “PERIODT” and “it is, what it is” __15.__What or who is the greatest love of your life? Is it possible to have TWO? My children’s father who passed to gun violence 4/6/2014. __16.__When and where were you happiest? I believe I was the happiest when I was with my oldest children father and when my grandma was living. The past for year and half years I’ve been trying to find my happiness again and it’s been a struggle. __17.__Which talent would you most like to have? I’d like to be able to forgive myself as much as I forgive others. __18.__If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Being able to let things go and leave them where they are. Stop being the one to always try to fix broken relationships. __19.__What do you consider your greatest achievement? My greatest achievement is being a great daughter, mom, sister and friend. The achievement I would like to achieve next is retaining a degree or two. __20.__If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? If I was to die and come back I would want to be a fly on a wall or a bird. To watch over my babies. __21.__Where would you most like to live? For years I've always wanted to live in Atlanta, Florida, and California. __22.__What is your most treasured possession? My most treasured possession are pictures/visual memories of my loved ones. __23.__What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Not being able to tell my loved ones how much I love. __24.__What is your favorite occupation? Right now I’m a nursing assistant and I loved being in retail. __25.__What is your most marked characteristic? My most marked characteristic is my smile. __26.__What do you most value in your friends? Honesty and fairness. My friends become family. __27.__Who are your favorite writers? I honestly don’t have any. __28.__Who is your hero of fiction? I don’t have any. __29.__Which historical figure do you most identify with? I don’t have one but if I did it would be Sojourner Truth I am for woman’s rights. __30.__Who are your heroes in real life? My mother and children. __31.__What are your favorite names? Gaven, Gabbriellle, and Sariyah. __32.__What is it that you most dislike? I dislike when texts are misread and lack of communication. __33.__What is your greatest regret? I regret not taking my babies to the barber shop to see their dad one last time. __34.__How would you like to die? I’ve never thought about that. I do know I don’t want to suffer. __35.__What is your motto? “Stop stressing over things that’s out of your control”. |
AuthorBIANCIA Archives
March 2019
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